Better than me
by BlueTigress
Summary: Debbie leaves a cd at Parkers house, what will happen ... First ff, hope you like it!


**Hey this is my first ff!! So don't be too harsh with your reviews!! I also have to say that english isn't my first language and that I couldn't find a BETA reader!! Ok now on with the story!! I don't own the Pretender or the song "Better than me" by hinder!! I also don't make any money by posting this!!**

**Better than me**

_I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies that I made you believe  
Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be_

I've been chasing you for 5 years now and you still haven't given up on me, or more on the litte girl I used to be. You've been held back all your life, you deserve somebody that can show you the world, and most important, love. We were lied to through out all our lifes, maybe it wasn't me who told you those lies, but certainly my crazy family. Crazy is probably too mild for what they've done, but anyway. Hadn't Debbie left one of her CD's at my house, I would have never been forced to think about all that!! You really thought I am such a heartless bitch like I pretend to be?? You of all should know better than that!! That's the only way I can survive in that hellhole I call home. Guilt, well I have so many regrets, I think I have to live hundreds of lifes to erase that guilt.

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remembered  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me  
_

All those years, I kept telling myself I won't miss you after all the lies Daddy told me, but how could I forget us 3 in the vents, discovering the "secrets" at the Centre. Your hugs, god how I miss them, and your cute innocence. You were always so happy when I brought you candy or told you about the outside world. Then, the kiss we had, the first kiss for both of us ... I don't konw if I should curse Ocee for the chance she denied me, having all that again, those feelings. Or thank her for not loosing my Parker side, whatever that may be. Sometimes I don't think I'm a real person. I just try to please Daddy or whoever he is to me. You deserve somebody who is whoever she wants to be, not somebody that is broken in more than one way.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for  
If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room  
_

I just returned from one of your little treasurehunts. But of course, there was nothing there but some notes when we finally arrived at your latest lair. And in that box full of your little notes on your latest pretend, I discovered a picture of our first meeting. I know you're looking for a time when we can be just as those 2 kids in that picture, innocent, and friends. Without the terrible knowledge of what was done to them, or what they were used for. I would have loved to take you to a mall, or just outside the Centre walls, but we couldn't so all we could do was pretend to do those things. Isn't that ironic, the thing that you're really good at, that they exploited, was the only way for us to be free.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish I never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend  
I won't think about you when I'm older  
'Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end  
_

There're so many things in my life that I'm not proud of, but I regret that moment in the limousine after Cartis it wasn't just a moment of weakness, and everything will never be the same. Turning my back on you in that situation was one of the hardest things in my life. But you have to understand, what was I supposed to do?? Tell you how much I care about you, that I don't want you back in that hellhole?? And then what, shoot our way out of an airport full of Centre people?? Later that night, when you called, I cried, yeah me the icequeen cried, I guess you're the only perosn who can melt my icy heart.

What the heck are you doing Parker? Get a grip, you're a Parker!! You just wrote your death sentence!! Parkers don't have emotional breakdowns, or feelings towards a certain labrat, that they are supposed to capture!! If anybody ever found out, what I just discovered, I think they would kill me, I'm sure my evil twin would be more than willing to help me out with that. Then he would be the next in line to rule the Centre. Just thinking of what he is capable of, ..., heck, another thing you discovered and rubbed into my face JR.

Strangely I think we share more than a brother. I don't mean physical, but on a higher level. How come I can feel your prescense when you're close by, not always a good thing, when I can feel you just escaping my grasph. And you always call when I'm feeling bad, how do you know?? I know you don't do your little pretend thingy with me. I made you promise me that when we were kids, and I know you never breake a promise. Why do you have to be a knight in shining armour?? I'm definatly not the damsel in distress, I can take care of myself, or at least that's what I always thought. Now I'm not so sure anymore. How come you make me weak and strong at the same time??

If anybody ever found out, ... Sydney probably suspects that someting happened at Carthis, that changed our relationship, or more importantly something in me. You deserve somebody better than me. Every girl would love to have you, so why do you still try to save me, who only brings death to the ones she loves?? Nobody will ever be good enough for you, at least in my eyes. What was her name again? The "I live in a tree house" one??, Nia, right I think she's the closest of all people to a primate. That hippy kinda living, grose. Than the redhead, that hyperactive chick, she's more like a teenager, not a woman, not good enough, you need a woman, a real one, not a runaway chick. And neither am I good enough for you, too many scars and broken pieces for anyone to pick up and try to fix. I guess we'll both just keep looking and we'll try to stay alive in the game, cause in the end, that's all that counts. Sydney always says it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all. Well I'm sure about one thing, if you don't know what you miss out on, you can't be broken by loosing it.

Now I need a place to hide my diary, somewhere noone will ever find it, I have no idea what ever made me write it in the first place. oh yeah, right, Debbie's CD. That song is now stuck in my head. I guess it's yet another sleepless night.

Ring, Ring. Well there's only one person that dares to call me at 4 in the morning. I guess you already know I finished my little "breakdown".

So it's back to the Parker curse, ... you run, I chase ...

_**Please let me know what you think!! Klick that little purple button and tell me either to stop writing or continue :D **_


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